Bite Me 2022

Lusty Lugnuts
Curtain call – cast and crew Bite Me 2022

Pandemic be damned! We finally made it. While this show was scheduled originally for mid-January, it coincided with the peak of Omicron infections, I had a number of cast and crew back out, and even after re-casting, we eneded up deciding that the best option was to postpone. But the marvel of this was that several members of the cast doubled up so instead of a cast of 14 I was down to 9 but with the same number of acts and a mix of numbers I’d seen plus debuts — some were a mystery to me right up until they hit the stage. And I love that I can put my trust in these folks and know that whatever they bring to the stage will be magic and boy howdy was there magic in that room last night.

From the opening with Belle Jumelles singing Big Blonde and Beautiful, then teasing the audience with a full “sing-and-strip” number the mood was set. The next act from Holly Shirt dipped into the uncomfortable topics of what dieting can do to a person. It was heavy, but allowed me to talk about some of the ways diet culture pushes us into disordered eating and unhealthy habits. We brought the mood up again with Hazel Nuez who was “Feelin’ Myself” with some body-positive confidence.

Then things started to get weird.

Henrietta Dubet, resplendent in a big blue wig and a giant balloon-stuffed blueberry costume, squeezed her way through the audience to the stage before sitting on a blue-berry covered angel food cake. This photo captured me on stage a little early, but about to let Henrietta know she “missed a spot” of whipped cream on her butt.

Henrietta Dubet at the end of her Blueberry act

From that we moved on to Chaz Avery dancing with and eating pizza on stage (seriously, the pizza dance was so adorably perfect), then Daisy Scorsese baked cookies to a Tool song, taking us into intermission. After intermission, Hazel returned with her “dick pop” number — a fan fave, for sure. After the tipping number (Holly & Hazel again!), Henrietta and Daisy returned to the stage for Hot Dog Banana Time, which was as weird and epic as you can imagine. I suspect theirs will be the act that people talk about the most in the coming weeks. Queef Latina showed off some chef skills while singing 9 to 5 which warmed my Dolly-loving heart, then Holly Shirt made an epic ice cream sundae of herself. The crew worked extra hard to clean the stage and make it safe so that Cherry Cheeks could climb out of a mug of cocoa before Luna Lush closed the show by utterly destroying a cake on her partner’s lap. The vegan cake was baked by Velvet Crush and was iced to say BITE ME (photo below!).

Magic. All of it.

As emcee, I started with a very atypical but heartfelt land acknowledgement and segued into the theme of the night. In between acts (and while I was shuffling script pages that I failed to number (argh!)) I was able to touch on the impact our words and actions have on children, about the language we use that may be triggering to those fighting with eating disorders, about VIVED, the Vancouver Island Voices for Eating Disorders, and the work they do, and even got to end on a pro sex-work rant that linked back to diet culture and the impossible metrics by which we are measured.

With all the rescheduling and recasting, this production was pretty stressful and earlier in the week I was feeling pretty unsure about my ability to pull it off (thanks for nothing, impostor syndrome!) but on Friday I was asked to pinch-hit as Stage Manager for Frantic Friday and I walked in with two hours notice and did it as if I do that for a living. It absolutely curb-stomped my impostor syndrome and remaining anxiety and allowed me to concentrate on getting Bite Me across the finish line.

I am so grateful for these performers, and for my crew — Stevie O’Brian as stage manager, Ginger Tart & Boxy Shadows as my kittens; they had their work cut out for them with some of these messes! Grateful, too for the VEC staff and crew who ran tech, flawlessly, and served libations to a fantastically receptive audience. And a HUGE thanks to John Carlow of Finding Charlote Photography for jumping in last minute when my go-to and back up photographer were both unavailable for the new date (above photos are both by him). Honestly, I’m super proud of this show and look forward to the next one in January 2023.

  • vegan cake by Velvet Crush
  • promo graphic by Creative Miscellany
The Art of Pasties

The Art of Pasties

Lusty Lugnuts

Pasties are the last thing an audience is likely to see during your act but they shouldn’t be the last thing you think about. If cost is prohibitive, consider investing in one pair of good quality neutral pasties that coordinate with several costumes. Alternately, you can debut with something simple and gradually upgrade for future performances. Either way, walk right past those peel and stick pasties you can get at adult shops — they aren’t form-fit and that adhesive is not stage ready! Instead, ask around your community to find out who the pastie-makers are or, if you’re up to the task, where to get supplies to make your own!

I have way more pasties than acts but the best ones in my collection are those that were custom made by Delilah D’lish and Showgirl Sparkle (who is also our local rhinestone and pastie supply seller!). I don’t have any made by Mal Compliance but I’ve seen and would also recommend their work. I’ve also bought basic pasties made by the Cheesecake Burlesque Review at their shows and the Garden of Eden adult store which usually has ready-made pasties (and booty shorts!) in stock. I currently do not have any “assles” — pasties you stick on your buttcheeks — but those should be made a little less peaked and may need a different adhesive.

When it comes to custom pasties, you are really only limited by imagination. I’ve seen everything from electrical tape Xs, to 3D-printed designs, to double layer reveal pasties (using magnets), to LED lit designs! There are also “illusion” pasties that incorporate mesh to extend the edges of the pasties. I’ve also seen pasties rhinestoned to look like nipples (fuck censorship!). There’s many different ways to make pasties, too, with different materials for the base as well as the decorations. Really the only rule is to cover the nipple!

What I look for in a pastie:

  1. Colour — I want the pasties to be colour coordinated in some way with the rest of my costume. I still lack a “generic” pair that I can use with anything, but my Safety Orange set get a LOT of use — in four of my acts! (Safety Dance, Rebel Scum, Greasy the Clown, and They’re Roommates) because all of the costumes are anchored in orange.
  2. Readability — if the pasties are supposed to represent something, like my Typewriter Key pasties for “Carry that Paperback”, I need to know that people who are ten or twenty feet away, or further, can still understand what they are. Tiny details are great but not always visible.
  3. Durability — when things start spinning, I need to know they are going to hold together. If rhinestones or sequins shed too easily, they aren’t going to last through multiple performances. Also, a good spinner mechanism makes a huge difference to the movement on stage if tassels are involved.
  4. Sparkle — this is where you really get what you pay for. If you are making your own, I highly recommend researching your rhinestones. Don’t buy Dollar Store plastic gems (while these are OK for infill on large projects they simply don’t pick up much light and you will be disappointed). Sequins are also OK but again, make sure you get some that shine. Matte sequins are only going to disappoint under stage lighting.
  5. Fit — every boob is a little different. I have piercings to cover so I like a more “roomy” pastie and I also have very large areolae so I often look for 2.5″ or larger pasties (average is 2″) but some people prefer smaller sizes — when ordering custom, be sure to ask your maker about sizing.

Here’s some of my pasties:

  • Cheesecake burlesque basic red sequins
  • My rehearsal pasties that came with my Rosie Bitts beginners class
  • Where I really got started – Safety Orange by Delilah D’Lish
  • Off the shelf sequins from Garden of Eden for Gold
  • Typewriter Keys for Carry that Paperback by Showgirl Sparkle
  • Sequin-rhinestone combo for the Fly by Showgirl Sparkle
  • Bullseyes! No clue how these came into my life.
  • Snowflake design, no spinner, by Delilah D’Lish
  • Cheap single use self stick pasties – just say no.

Once you have your pasties, you need to stick em on so they won’t come off. Most performers use double sided fashion tape which you can often buy in lingerie stores or at drug stores. Some folks swear by carpet tape (especially for assles) but this can be harsh on skin — test first! I use a combo of eyelash glue and 3M mounting strips (double sided foam stickies) and so far I’ve only popped a pastie once! Other options include stage adhesives like liquid latex or spirit gum, but again, please test before show day!

I hope you found this helpful and that it made your day just a little more sparkly!

Smut Slam and Showdown!

Lusty Lugnuts

The next place you’ll see Lusty Lugnuts is at the Smut Slam September 11th, collecting your confessions and questions for the fuckbucket!

Next up is the Spooky Halloween Burlesque Showdown – Sunday October 27th at 8pm (doors at 7:30) at the Victoria Event Center! Greasy the Clown will be bounding across the stage, vying for the crown and creeping out the audience in the process!

Welcome to the Tawdry Toolbox!

Lusty Lugnuts

The Tawdry Toolbox is open for business at last! Whether you want to book me for burlesque, drag, clowning, or behind the scenes work, this is the one-stop for (almost) all my performing and backstage sides!

The toolbox in the photo belongs to my father. As a kid, I was fascinated by those pinups and now I’ve become one (Lusty Lugnuts appeared in the 2019 Victoria Burlesque Calendar)! I thought it fitting to use that toolbox as the focus of my stage selves.